Parent-wise: Toddler edition

Earlier today I attended a neighborhood parent meet-up that I co-lead, and was asked if it has been difficult getting used to 2 babies in the house (or something to that effect). I laughed almost immediately because there’s really no choice. I mean they’re both there; like it or not. Truthfully it hasn’t been that hard outside of just getting schedules down, and I still haven’t mastered it….which makes me nervous since I go back to work on Monday. I credit “it not being that hard” to me not being a first-time mom, my husband’s help and my little boy LOVING to sleep. I get nervous almost every day that he won’t sleep at night because he’s slept most of the day, but alas, he sleeps like a champ. It makes me love him a little more. (I kid, but seriously….I love that he loves to sleep.) Speaking of sleep….my toddler doesn’t sleep, she’s never slept unless it was absolutely necessary. All of that awake time has given us a lot of priceless moments…tired moments…but they are priceless.

Thinking through the past several months of living with a toddler, I thought I’d share some sure signs that your beautiful baby has turned into a gremlin….I mean toddler….but really they’re gremlins. Here’s my top 10:

  1. Think back to when you watched Sex and the City movie. Do you remember how fast Miranda and Charlotte cleaned rose petals off the bed when they arrived at what would have been Carrie and Big’s honeymoon suite in Mexico? My bed is delicately decorated with gold fish but no one is hastily cleaning them up until I get a minute.
  2. You would never let your child ride their little bike without a helmet. Our daughter insists on wearing her helmet to the dinner table, in the bath tub, in the car…I mean you never know what can happen. Better safe than sorry.
  3. Do you love to compete in competitions where you try to be louder than your opponent??? No??? Get a toddler. You will.
  4. Speaking of competitions, do you have that game app on your phone that counts the number of times you say “No” and to win you have to say “No” one less time today than the day before? If not, get it – actually, I think you may need to invent it, but once you invent it, get it. I’ll guarantee that you two things; 1. that app will sell and 2. you won’t beat your top score day-to-day.
  5. Have you ever wondered if you could get a cat dressed in a wet suit while they’re being bathed? You’re toddler will make that look like child’s play in the mornings when you need to get her dressed for school.
  6. As a new mom you have the best intentions of ensuring that your baby has nothing but the best nutrition. You have dreams of making perfectly smooth pureed turkey with spinach and sweet potatoes baby food. You’d never let one grain of white sugar pass through those beautiful lips. Am I right???? Once you get that toddler strapped to her seat in the morning for breakfast – she can have as many pancakes with syrup as she wants if she will just give you a freakin’ moment to make the cup of coffee that will inevitably sit in the Keurig machine until you realize you forgot to drink it at 2:30pm.
  7. The first big graduation, your baby moves into a toddler bed. Without you saying a word your sweet baby innately understands that this move comes with all the freedom in the world. Well, all of the freedom she craves just short of the freedom that comes with knowing how to unlock the deadbolt on the front door or the car. You’ll spend hours listening to the pitter-patter of those little feet sneaking past their door and to their favorite room in the house. Then you’ll take her tiny hand in yours and march her back to her bed, tuck her in, kiss her forehead and say goodnight. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over…..
  8. You find that you’re too easily frustrated when you turn down the next isle at the grocery store and there’s someone else there. That means that you can’t roll down the middle of the isle. That means that your toddler is within arms reach of what will inevitably be glass jars of something.
  9. It’s a big day. You’ve got an important meeting/visit or wedding to go to or a photo shoot – or you just found some poor soul to take this heathen for an hour or so while you breathe a minute. Guaranteed that you and/or your toddler will not make it there clean and put together. One or both of you will find food ground into the fabric of your clothes. You’ll get some kind of instant virus and begin throwing up. Your toddler will throw their shoes out of the window of the car that you had rolled down to get the snow off of so you could see to back out of the driveway. Pick a scenario. It’ll be comical once you get everyone put back together, but it will take you about 30 minutes longer.
  10. When your sweet little baby rolled over for the first time, after you posted the obligatory comment and photo to Facebook, you began baby-proofing your home. There’s no such thing as toddler-proofing. No joke. There are hosts of websites that claim to have stuff you can buy and advice to keep your belongings safe. I’m going to save you some time and money. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TODDLER-PROOFING. If you want to protect it put it in a safe and move the safe to another location that doesn’t have toddlers living there, visiting or stopping by.

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